Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, ‘Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?’ Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, ‘Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.’ Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4. Say ‘I,’ not ‘we.’ Instead of saying, ‘We need the project by Tuesday,’ say, ‘I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.’

5. Be specific. Instead of, ‘Put a rush on the Microsoft project,’ say, ‘I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.’

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. ‘Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,’ is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: ‘I was here first,’ ‘I’d like more coffee, please,’ ‘Excuse me, but I have another appointment,’ ‘Please turn down the radio,’ or ‘This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.’

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, ‘Thank you.’

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: ‘Please don’t talk to me that way,’ rather than, ‘What kind of jerk are you?’

15. Use ‘I’ statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: ‘When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.’

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (’I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.’)

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

By: Garrett Coan

Popularity: 100% [?]

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Sometimes people say they are reluctant to work on their assertiveness as they dont want to become an aggressive person but more often than not if you are lacking in assertiveness then you are far off from having an aggressive personality type. If it is something you’re still worried about then just be aware that being aggressive takes the following forms of behaviour; being demanding, bullying, taunting, threatening people, being sarcastic and maybe at it’s worst psychical contact.

Most people are not assertive as they have a desire to be liked and want to avoid confrontation. However, behaving like this can end up leading to an unhealthy relationship in the long run anyway.

Here are some top tips to getting you started on becoming assertive: -
When communicating your opinion, complaint, etc ensure that you are being direct, clear and precise.

Don’t shy away from the point you want to make or action you want to take. Commit to it and take full responsibility. For example, if you are making a complaint say “I think” rather than “we think”.

Don’t apologise before or after you complain or talk to someone about something as again this takes away any strength or emphasis from you.

Use the correct tone of voice and body language when talking. For example, don’t talk into yourself or have a tremble in your voice. Maintain eye contact and use a solid strong voice but with a normal volume.

Check with people that they have listened to what you have said by encouraging them to summaries your opinion, complaint, request, etc. Don’t allow people to make excuses for having misunderstood and stick to what you’ve said.
Don’t avoid particular people or situations that you don’t feel confident in. In fact push yourself into as many of these situations as possible and practice your new assertive self. If there are certain people you find difficult to approach then walk up to them confidently and smile at them before you start talking.

Being assertive doesn’t mean making things up to support your opinions, complaints etc. You should stick to the facts and not exaggerate. It’s good to be seen as objective rather than emotional.

When you’re in a difficult situation with people then don’t make personal references. For example, don’t say “I find you really annoying”, say instead “Please refrain from talking to me like that.”

Modelling. Watch assertive people and pick up words, tones, body language that you think makes them successful at being assertive. Keep a list of these attributes and add them to your own portfolio.

Each time you’re successfully assertive note this down and reward yourself. Try and exhibit your new assertive behaviour so much that people start giving you feedback like “Wow Marcia I didn’t realise you were so assertive”. This is your ultimate reward! Also, don’t get disheartened when you’re not successful. Just realise where you went wrong and correct it next time.

Practice your newly developed assertiveness skills in low risk situations to start with so that when you have a difficult situation crop up you’ll be well rehearsed.

Ultimately it’s really important to understand that being assertive will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive and will lead to amore confident you who doesn’t avoid situations that are out of their comfort zone.

By: Rebekah Fensome

Popularity: 9% [?]

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Assertiveness is a life skill; useful both inside and outside work. However, the reactions and behaviors we employ now are the result of years of fine tuning. Being assertive doesn’t happen overnight, but the more practice you get, the more skilled you become. And while you may not always get what you want, you will always know you gave it your best. So here are the top ten tips for improving your assertive behavior:

1. Believe in yourself more - always think positively and feed yourself with positive inner dialogue. Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself how wonderful you are!

2. Recognize that you can never change other people. You can only change what you do; and that a change in your behavior will afford others the opportunity to behave differently towards you.

3. Learn to respond, not react. Start choosing how to behave, based on admitting and accepting the consequences. Accept that you - and only you - have made that choice: nobody has forced you into it.

4. Stop beating yourself up for your decisions and behaviors. Instead, turn every situation into a positive learning opportunity for future behavior change.

5. Watch your body language. Make sure it matches your words: people tend to believe what they see rather than what they hear.

6. Use the green cross code: Stop Look Listen - then think about how you want to respond. This will ensure you stay in control of you and the situation, and afford others the opportunity to do so as well.

7. Aim for situation resolution, not self defence. Concentrate on the situation rather than your own feelings, and recognize that the other person is most probably angry about the situation - not with you.

8. Consider and choose your words. Lose the words that signal ‘I’m a pushover’ such as ‘I’m terribly sorry’, or ‘I’m afraid’, or ‘Could you possibly…?’ or ‘Can I just …?’. Substitute big ‘I’ statements followed by factual descriptions instead of judgments or exaggerations. This will encourage the other person to do the same.

9. Say ‘no’ when you want to. Don’t forget to afford yourself all of the rights you allow everyone else to have. And if it helps, remember that you are not refusing them personally, you are refusing their request.

10. Take a ‘can do’ attitude. Believe that things don’t just happen to you - but that you can make them happen.

By: Arthor Pens

Popularity: 9% [?]

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First, let me ask you this. Are you assertive? Do you even know what assertiveness is? Many people think that they know and others have never even heard of it. The rest of us have to put up with these two groups. Or do we?

There are three basic types of people. They are Passive, Assertive and Aggressive. These types often overlap within individuals and may even vary depending on the circumstances in which these individuals find themselves.

 You often find that the passive people recognise themselves quickly and even some of the assertive people will choose a category for themselves here based on characteristics that may not be obvious to the rest of us. However, the aggressive people often see themselves as assertive, confusing the ability to stand up and express their views as an equal with their own tendency to shout others down and try to get your own way all the time. For this reason, you seldom see aggressive people going to assertiveness training, and when they do, people wonder why.

Aggressive

Aggressive people are inclined to impose their will on anyone who will allow it. They become quarrelsome and even belligerent if they do not get their way. They see their needs as the only important issue and do not even consider the needs of others.

Aggressive people need to stop putting themselves first all the time. In fact, there is very often no second place. They need to modify their behaviour by reducing their tendency towards fierceness. This will actually improve the level of cooperation experienced by the aggressive people, as others will be more inclined to respond positively to a more agreeable attitude.

Passive

Passive people are inclined to be submissive, to give in to others too easily, thinking that the opinions and needs of others are more important. They are reluctant to speak up and express their opinions and needs.

Passive people need to learn how to express themselves and balance their needs against those of others, maybe even putting their own needs before those of others occasionally.

Assertive

Assertive people speak up for themselves without imposing themselves on others. They recognise that they have the right:
To lead as good a Life as they can provide for themselves.
To be themselves.
To express their opinions.
To make mistakes.
To be treated well.
To say no.

Recognising that you have these rights is only part of the story. You must recognise that others also have these rights. You must also learn to communicate your needs to others when the need arises.

Now answer the question I asked at the beginning. Are you assertive? I am glad to say that most people are there or there abouts. Assertiveness is something that has to be worked at and practised. So if you do recognise yourself in the other two categories don’t lose heart just work at improvement and remember that nobody is perfect.

By: Maggie Musgrave

Popularity: 11% [?]

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